|zukafuji post-a-day event
||[Oct. 22nd, 2006|02:17 pm]
title: Dead Ends in the Darkness
by: serenityrages on writing comm literatrix
genre: dark romance, ftw?
For a genius, Fuji can be kind of ignorant. While ignorance is bliss, and what he doesn't know can't hurt him, he finds himself lacking what is promised in the former, and finding that the latter is appallingly false.
These are things he doesn't know.
Fuji doesn't know why Tezuka agreed to work for the government.
He sees Tezuka, sometimes, on television, standing solidly behind the Minister of Finance, face impassive as the Minister announces some new tax scheme. Fuji bites his knuckles anxiously then, willing the camera man to zoom in, to zoom into Tezuka's face until Fuji can see the pinpricks of light and shadow in Tezuka's eyes.
Fuji thinks sometimes that he shouldn't be like this, tense and apprehensive, constantly at home, waiting. He's young, he should be working, Tachibana and Atobe call occasionally, but he turns them down, quickly, in case Tezuka calls.
Fuji doesn't know why he agreed to Tezuka taking the other apartment.
He feels like a petulant mistress when he should really be feeling like the wife.
He knows he shouldn't be playing second fiddle to a job. Not even to a country.
He thinks he hates it when Tezuka comes home, but in truth, he hates himself, clingy and anxious to please, following Tezuka everywhere like a dog.
Eiji comes over, with Jirou tagging along, sometimes, takes him out to get him drunk and dancing on tables, alive and free and shining like the star he used to be. Jirou makes faces at him when he says that. No, Syuusuke, Jirou would insist. The star you are.
Fuji doesn't know what to call the feeling that bubbles up in his stomach when Tezuka kisses him, briefly, in the dim apartment before proceeding, in quick, measured steps, out the door.
He hears it in his head, what he should say, how he should say it, but by the time he decides to do so, Tezuka's gone and he won't answer his cellphone, not in public, not where anyone can hear. Not where anyone can listen in and know that the newest and brightest aide to the Minister of Finance will never get married.
He knows he shouldn't suffer in self-inflicted solitude, there is a world out there that he was once so eager to explore and experience.
He buys hiking equipment that lies, unused, in his closet, and spends time thinking of mountains and exercise, endorphins and walking on roads that lead to places, discovering the earth beneath his feet and photographing the life he finds.
Fuji doesn't know that he has changed.
He knows of the existence of change, but he feels like he has atrophied, frozen in time as the world moves on outside his door. His measurements are the same as the ones in high school, only his bones seem to have become more delicate, because the smallest things seem to weigh tons to him.
Taka-san comes over to cook for him, bringing fragrant mounds of rice and fish and wasabi. He sits silently at the table while Taka-san talks of this and that, of his wife and children and the sushi-ya. Eventually they are both uncomfortable and silent, and Fuji feels guilty, his smile sticky and cold on his face. He knows that once upon a time, Taka-san loved him, but things change. Fuji, however, is not a thing.
Sometimes he visits Oishi in his clinic. Oishi has tea and sweets always on hand, and he tells Fuji, -You should see this friend of mine.
Eventually, Fuji realizes that Oishi has been talking about a shrink, not trying to set him up on a blind date. He thinks that he should be angry over this, and he is. Sort of.
He still goes to see Oishi though.
Fuji doesn't know what to feel when he's alone.
Inui visits him at home, bringing concoctions that taste of chilis and spice, and he knows that Inui thinks he's depressed. He isn't. He's just... stuck. He can be happy, wildly, obscenely joyful, or he can change his emotions depending on those around him.
He doesn't think it's wrong, to give people what they want.
Yuuta screams at him, sometimes, get help, you're nothing but a shell, what have you done with my brother? I'm going to kill Tezuka-san, what did he DO to you? and even rarer, in a soft voice that doesn't really sound like anyone, much less Yuuta, Aniki, I miss you.
He filters the sounds through his brain and he smiles at Yuuta, teasing him, until Yuuta can force himself to believe that the illusion is not a lie, but a better version of the truth. A bitter version, as Yuuta realizes that he has been fooled.
Fuji doesn't know that Eiji finally goes to Tezuka, along with Yuuta and Oishi, and speak to him, quietly.
We don't think this is working out, that it's good for the two of you. Oishi radiates kind concern. He knows Tezuka best, after all.
Aniki isn't himself anymore. Yuuta fights to keep his tone low, hyper-sensitive to the ears in the walls surrounding Tezuka's office.
We're taking him away. Somewhere he'll be happy. Eiji says, his voice hoarse and strange without the cheerful volume.
And Tezuka knows that his reply should be how do you know that he's unhappy? or even what business of yours is our private life?
All his replies are questions that lead to other questions in a dizzying loop of sound and sensation, and Tezuka thinks, briefly, of mapping Fuji's back under his hands and his tongue, the heady feeling of forbidden that made Fuji so enticing, all those years ago.
This is what Tezuka answers, his mind dwelling on options that are not open to him, options that are like dead ends in the darkness: All right.
At this, Eiji opens the door, and when he speaks his tone sounds, superficially, derisive, but Tezuka could be mistaken.
What makes you think that we were asking?
Fuji doesn't know where he's going, where Eiji is taking him in the dead of the night.
He doesn't know this in the same way he doesn't know that Tezuka gives up the other apartment to come live in the one that feels of Fuji.
What Fuji knows is this: he will see Tezuka again. He knows of the dead ends in the darkness, and that Tezuka is sitting there in silence, waiting for the day Fuji can bring him the light.